How to Support Survivors of Sexual Assault
The Surprisingly Simple Way to Show Up
The nuances of consent…
Why survivors don’t report…
The pervasiveness of victim-blaming…
How school administrations and law enforcement handle (or mishandle) disclosures of sexual assault...
These are topics that I think and talk about all the time.
And right now, we are also in a news cycle where pretty much the entire country is also thinking about talking about these things because of the Cornell rape case.
Of course, the public conversation has been a mixed bag. It’s either been victim-blaming and misogynistic (“Why didn't she report sooner? Why did her story change? Let's not ruin these young men's lives and reputations”) or standing up for survivors, recognition of Jane Doe’s bravery, and calls to hold Cornell and the perpetrators accountable.
And while I wish rape and sexual assault never happened at all - it’s not necessarily a bad thing when a case like this gets national attention. It can give a bigger platform to really smart people who are working on these issues (see Kate Manne on Call Her Daddy) and shine a spotlight on an issue that continues to be pervasive whether we’re talking about it in the mainstream or not.
The Stakes for Survivors Watching This Unfold
In the midst of all of this, some survivors are having a moment of recognition about their own experience for the first time, prompted by watching Jane Doe’s story unfold publicly. Some survivors are feeling more empowered to tell a friend, a parent, a therapist, or a counselor. And others are watching exactly how survivors get treated in the media and deciding, understandably, to stay quiet.
That split is exactly why it matters how the adults and peers around survivors of sexual assault respond when someone does decide to disclose. So this post is focused on one practical question: when someone tells you they've been sexually assaulted, or that they're in an abusive relationship, what should you actually say? This applies to peers, parents, teachers, healthcare providers, and any other caring adult who might end up in the position of receiving that disclosure.
Before getting into what to say, I also think it’s incredibly important to remember that it’s a privilege to be on the receiving end of a survivor’s disclosure. It likely means that you have said or done something that makes that person feel like they can trust you - don’t take that responsibility lightly.
What Survivors Actually Need
A simple activity illustrates the gap between what might be our first instinct when receiving a disclosure and what's actually helpful.
I would often facilitate this activity with groups of students when teaching them about survivor support. I would start by saying, “Imagine a friend came to you and told you they were sexually assaulted. What would be the first thing you would say or do?”
The answers were nearly always the same:
What happened?
Where were you?
When did this happen?
How did this happen?
Are you okay?
Have you told anyone?
Do you want to report it?
Groups tend to dive immediately into the who, what, when, where, and why.
Then I would flip the question and say, “Imagine for a moment that some bad happened to you and you went to a friend and told them. How would you want them to respond?”
The answers shift dramatically. They would say things like:
Just listen to me
Not judge me
Sit with me
Say “I believe you”
Say “I’m sorry that happened”
Hold my hand
Give me a hug
Be with me while I cry
Help me report or get medical care
Ask “what do you need?”
The dominant theme, by far, is the desire to be listened to and supported without interrogation.
You’ll notice that the first list is all questions and the second list has almost no questions. That contrast is the whole point of the exercise. It shows, clearly, how our instinctive response to someone else's disclosure rarely matches what we ourselves would want to receive.
How to Respond When Someone Discloses
When someone discloses to you, you have no way of knowing whether it's the first time they've said it out loud or the hundredth. The safest approach is consistent: listen, and be present. Ask what they need right now. Make clear that you believe them, that you're there for them, and that they can handle this however they choose.
What matters most here is restoring a sense of control. Survivors of sexual assault and intimate partner violence have had power and choice taken from them, which means the most useful thing a supportive person can do is follow their lead rather than direct the process.
In practice, that means:
If they want to report to law enforcement, help them do that. If they want medical care, help them access it. If they don't want to report anything at all, respect that and let them know support doesn't depend on it. If they just need to talk, cry, or sit in silence, give them that space without pushing further. If they want help telling a parent, offer to be there for that conversation.
What's not helpful, in that moment, is a long list of clarifying questions. The specifics of who, what, when, where, and how aren't yours to investigate. Your role is to be a source of support, not an interviewer.
Believe Survivors
The information in this post shouldn't still be as necessary as it is, and the trajectory of the national conversation suggests it will remain necessary for a long time. Which makes the baseline worth repeating: believe survivors.
If you work with or care for young people and want more support navigating conversations like this one, I offer workshops for parents and youth-serving professionals on topics including intimate partner violence, navigating consent, and how to talk about healthy relationships. Learn more at www.even-footing.com or subscribe to the both/and newsletter at bothandnewsletter.com for ongoing resources on showing up for the teens in your life.
